We took our car in to have some work done and as we waited, I remembered the last time I was there, sitting in the chair outside under the tree and smoking. I thought about how if I knew I was going to be waiting somewhere, I would make sure I had enough cigarettes. It was as if I couldn't tolerate or bear being stuck somewhere and not have a smoke. Like the world would end, or I would just explode.
I had a similar thought while I was walking this evening. As I passed Central Market where they have live music on Thursdays, I thought about how Marques and I would sit in the grass above the patio on a blanket and drink while we listened to the band. If I didn't have something to drink, then it made no sense to go. That was the case in many other instances, if I couldn't drink, then it wouldn't be enjoyable. It literally became my identity. I was a drinker and a smoker, and it was part of my everyday life, it was part of me. It was as if I couldn't exist without it, like a missing piece in my being.
We have to be very careful what habits we establish in our lives, because before we know it this very thing takes place--they become a part of us, and they are hard as hell to part with.
As we did our daily devotional, we were reading about when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. The moral of the story is to demonstrate and exemplify Abrahams unwavering obedience. However, my mind took another path, and I applied it to what I mentioned above. I began to think of all the stories in the Bible, and even modern day, where people have sacrificed, and struggled, and stood firm and steadfast through it all. People who have lost their sons and daughters, whose homes have burnt to the ground, who's children have been kidnapped, who have dealt with unimaginable circumstances. Now that is struggle, and that is life. We all have our hurts and our cries. We are meant to learn from every circumstance, and remain strong in our faith and our prayers, knowing that God has a plan, and it is far greater than our minds could ever conceive. Who are we to demand answers, or get angry with Him as if He doesn't know what He is doing. If he can create the world around us, the universe, basically creation in its entirety, what makes us think He can't or won't control what happens in it?
When I begin to think in those terms, smoking and drinking become so insignificant. And struggling for so long to let them go seems even more insignificant. However, I do understand what its like to have that addiction, and it is definitely difficult to let go of. I never have nor ever will judge someone for doing it, for doing anything really. Taking into consideration everything I've done, I don't have the right to judge even if I wanted to. Part of my mess turned into a gift, which is the gift of mercy!
The key is looking outside of the box, changing your way of thinking, taking everything into consideration, replacing bad habits with good ones, and most of all getting a daily dosage of God. However, more than anything, remaining there. I have been where I am right now, and thought just as I am thinking, however, I lost my drive and routine, I became lazy and eventually found myself drowning once again in my old ways.
So here's to changing -- and not changing back!
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