As I sit here and write this, I am typing with my right hand while my left hand sits in a bowl of ice, guess I'm really committed to this blog!!
How I just rammed my hand between my drivers side mirror and the yellow pole that sits by my gated entrance, I will never know! Why I was holding the mirror while I waited for the gate to open, well...I will never know that either. Not to mention how the heck it broke the mirror and not my hand is the main question of all!
However, hurting my hand was just the icing on the cake.....
I knew when I woke up this morning that the enemy would test us today. Probably because, well... he's the enemy. And anyone who is trying to make a change for the better and especially with God in mind, he is going to be right there trying his best to mess it up. I was ready and waiting...... It just made sense because Marques and I haven't really seen each other all week, and we were planning on resolving some issues, as well as facing the fact that it is Friday, and every Friday for as long as I can remember, friends come over, or we go to their house and we drink and play games.
It's obvious I am going through withdrawals from the nicotine, and possibly from the alcohol. I was never a morning drinker but I did drink basically every night. I did notice myself being "on edge" today and easily irritated. I just feel overwhelmed. I have this mountain of issues surrounding me; physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. There are so many problems I don't know what to tackle first. I have always had plenty of problems, some because I brought them on myself, and others from luck of the draw I guess, however, once again I had my "medicine," to handle them (or convince myself I was, when in all reality nothing was being resolved at all).
Marques and I went to Central Market to talk while we listened to music and ate burgers. While I was there I saw several people we knew from our old church. They were all gathered together, two of the ladies pregnant, all the children running around playing, and all the adults laughing and smiling, and enjoying each other's company. All I could think about was how that's what I wanted. I'm sure they have their issues, nobody's perfect after all. Nevertheless, one of the ladies was the leader of a bible study I attended, and my problems and struggles are night and day compared to hers. The desire within me to be happy and healthy, and so full of God's love that it flows out of me, is so strong, that in that moment, while I looked at them, and then at myself, tears began to well up in my eyes.
I didn't say hello to her, I turned my head when she walked past me. I felt so inferior and dysfunctional compared to her, almost as if she would have known just by looking at me. I have felt that way almost my entire life. The funny thing is, is that most people think I'm such a confident woman, when in all reality, it's just the opposite.
After this mound of emotions came over me, I was not able to finish the conversation with my husband, and did what I do when I don't know what to do, and just shut down. That upset him and he went home. After I got home and the conversation began again, it was apparent that I couldn't handle discussing the topic at hand. Not in that state, I was an emotional wreck. At that point I grabbed the keys, got in the car, and went to sit down by the water and talk to God. After all the emotion, all the pain and stress, in that moment, there was peace. It was just Him and I, and he gave me the answer I needed to a very important question I had asked Him.
In the past, that would have been when I said screw it, and went to the gas station to buy some beer and cigarettes because I had an excuse, "I was stressed, overwhelmed, etc." Not this time. I dealt with my emotions, maybe irrationally at first, but still dealt with them. I went to a relaxing place to calm down. But more importantly than anything, God showed up at a time I really needed Him. He never promised it would be easy, he actually tells us it will be difficult, however, He did promise to stand by our side. And when I look back not only on today, but the rest of my life, He was there, with open arms. I haven't been waiting on Him, he has been waiting on me.
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