Day 21-22

Sometimes you won't get the breakthrough you're waiting for until you're obedient.

I have been praying for a career since December, asking God for direction and guidance with a deep desire to utilize my education, help support my family, and find a sense of fulfillment in my work. Like most of us know, He doesn't always come when you call Him but He's always on time. I have been able to do a lot of soul searching so far this year while staying at home, and I feel it has been very beneficial for my family and myself. However, I do find it quite interesting that I applied for an investigator position several months ago that fit exactly what I was looking for and Monday, the day after the Holy Spirit strongly put on my heart to tell Marques "my secret," I receive an email asking to set up an interview.

Yesterday my Dad calls me and asks me how Marques and I are doing, and if we have had any breakthroughs or revelations. He proceeds to tell me that he had a feeling Marques was going to humble himself and reveal some hidden things as well. Last night I had a very vivid dream and the only possible explanation was that Marques was harboring some secrets. This morning when I awoke to him getting ready for work I told him about what my Dad had said, as well as my dream. So, in turn, he came clean. It wasn't easy to hear what he was telling me, its never easy when you find out you've been betrayed and lied to. However, in the great scheme of things, taking God's majestic tapestry being woven in our lives into consideration, I knew it needed to happen. It was a sense of relief to know its all out, and all in the past.

Today we close one chapter and open another.

We are in prayer about many things we are in need of and I am eager to see what God does in the near future.

The moral of this story is that even the people you love and the people who love you will hurt you, we are all human. It is extremely dangerous to put all of your trust into humans. The ONLY one we can fully trust is God Himself. And God really wanted me to know that today.

As I laid in bed thinking about many things, particularly the topic at hand, the Holy Spirit told me to read Psalm 31. I had never read it before so was definitely curious to see what my message for the circumstance would be. As I turned in my Bible the first verse was: "In You, O Lord, I put my trust." Followed by:

Let me never be ashamed;

Deliver me in Your righteousness.

Bow down Your ear to me,

Deliver me speedily;

Be my rock of refuge,

A fortress of defense to save me.

For You are my rock and my fortress;

Therefore, for Your name's sake,

Lead me and guide.

Pull me out of the net which

they have secretly laid for me,

For You are my strength.

Into Your hand I commit my spirit;

You have redeemed me,

O Lord God of truth.

The rest of the chapter is awesome as well. Is it coincidence that I had just been thinking how I can only fully trust Him and desire to put 100% of my trust in Him, that I have been ashamed for what my husband and I have done (especially me), Marques and I have been praying for a speedy recovery and healing, asking Him to lead me and guide me (had actually just said that while praying before opening my Bible), and accepting and believing that He has truly redeemed us.

It all exemplifies how loving, merciful, and faithful God is. Its as if He is saying, "I hear your cries, I know what you're going through, I am here, put your strength in Me, I will deliver you and restore you."

Who knows how much further along Marques and I would be right now if we had of been this honest, diligent and obedient before. Pay close attention to what your spirt man is saying to you, don't ignore it or write it off because possibly what he is telling you to do is the key to the next breakthrough or blessing in your life!

Day 16-20

You thought I quit, didn't you? Admit it! Oh ye of little faith! Don't worry I understand, honestly I don't have much faith in the human race at all, and for good reason! That's okay though, we aren't supposed to put all our faith into each other, we are supposed to put it all into the one and only being who truly deserves it.

God is so faithful, and I experienced that today more than any other day in my life. I can't stop crying because I am so grateful and so in awe of who He truly is.

As I have mentioned before, I have made some very bad decisions in my life; selfish, awful, evil, deceitful decisions. I have messed up time and time again, repeated the same mistakes over and over, thought I had learned my lesson and turned around and did it again.

I revealed (almost) all my secrets to my husband in hopes of renewing and transforming our relationship with each other and with Christ. I wanted to be transparent, and honest, attempting to live a life with integrity and how God created us to live. I was so tired of carrying around the guilt, shame and regret. It was taking energy and life out of me, causing a hinderance in our marriage and our lives. I confessed (almost) all my secrets to him, and since we began this whole journey, things have been better than ever. We have been growing at a faster rate than I have ever witnessed before, and I have felt a closeness and interconnectedness that surpasses any other time throughout our relationship.

There was only one problem... almost doesn't count.

I had another secret, a deep one, one I had convinced myself I had forgiven myself for, convinced myself it was over and done and was no longer affecting me nor anyone around me. I have prayed about it over and over again and thought it was God's will as well for me to not disclose it. I didn't want to hurt my one and only true love more than I already had, I feared how he would react, what he would do, how much it would change not only our lives, but others lives as well. All of that changed today. As I sat in church, I became overwhelmed, it was as if I didn't get it out it would explode, like it was consuming all of me and prohibiting my organs to function correctly, as if it had a hold of me and wouldn't let go until it exited the hidden place where it had been residing so long deep within my soul. It was as if God was showing me I have excelled greatly, however, there was a block in the spiritual road within me. A thought and feeling that if I did not confess, it would hinder my marriage, my relationship with God and myself for the rest of my life on this earth.

Yes, I do believe God has forgiven me, in fact, I know He has. The problem is although I thought I had forgiven myself, I hadn't, and I wasn't going to. Because anytime something triggered this memory, I would once again feel that shame and guilt. Guilt from not telling my husband, for him thinking I've been honest, for him thinking he truly knew me inside and out. I knew we would never reach our full potential, neither together nor apart. Because when you are married, you are one flesh, one spirit. If you are hiding things from your spouse, or being affected greatly by something he/she is not aware of, then you are affecting them whether they know it or not. The matters of the heart and soul are far deeper than one could ever perceive or understand. The spiritual is far greater than the physical, what God sees and lies within us is far more than we see in ourselves and others.

So I told him.

As I had expected he was furious, and had every right to be. He left to counsel with a friend and I didn't see him all day. I had prayed before, during and after, asking God to have His hand over the situation, to bless us with His peace and unconditional love. While thinking my marriage was over and that I deserved that and more, I received a text message from him telling me he loves me and we will sort through it all. It will not be an easy road, however, nothing worth fighting for is ever easy.

We've been through similar circumstances before and it was tragic. The pain is still present this time, but I can feel God in the middle of it. And it was such a gift and incredible help to be able to lean on Him and trust in Him. I never did that before. I was Miss Independent, didn't need anybody for anything and I would take control of the situation and do what I saw fit. It was exhausting and nothing ever got resolved; reason being, because I don't have the power within me to fix everything, none of us do. In fact what I have realized is we aren't supposed to. Jesus tells us to place our burdens on Him and He will carry them for us. So many people become overwhelmed and break because the load is far too much to carry. My lifelong loads were heavy, exhausting and definitely overwhelming. What peace lies within the ability to say "I can't carry this on my own God, I am giving it to you and asking for your perfect will to be done." What is even more amazing is when He shows up and reassures you it is truly being done.

The most obvious way to avoid keeping secrets is to not make decisions that would require you to harbor them. To live a honest life, driven by integrity. However, some of us haven't had that realization or transformation until after its already said and done. It is the hardest thing in the world to look your other half in the eyes and admit that you have made a horrible decision, and then for them to look you in the eyes with the reflection of their heart shattered into tiny pieces. I would never wish that upon anyone, however, the reality is that we are human, born into a broken, sinful world and all make bad choices. The good news is our Redeemer lives and is with us day in and day out. And in even the most difficult of situations, if you seek Him, you will find Him, and when you need Him He will show up.

Day 15

I'm writing this post much earlier than usual. The day is only half way over, however for the past three and half hours I have been in deep study and thought about this topic and there is no doubt in my mind it is what I was and am supposed to address today in my own life and possibly in yours as well.

My earthly father brought this to my attention through an email yesterday and since then it has been on my mind and in my prayers with my Heavenly Father. I must apologize for any mentions in my blog regarding this topic, because I am most definitely guilty of not doing my homework and falling victim to "new age revelation."

The topic at hand is: Giving Satan Too Much Credit.

This topic easily ties in with yesterday's lesson about freedom. We have freedom in Christ and the enemy has been defeated.

Not sure where to begin because this could go many ways and I have written 6 pages of notes, so I pray that my words be His words and my message be as clear to you as it has been shown to me.

When I read my Dad's email, I had a witness that he was writing the truth, however, the Word is the basis for testing all truths, so it doesn't matter what he says or anyone else for that matter, the ultimate question is how does it match up with what God says? Many of us believe what we hear much to often. We have to be sure to put it to the ultimate test in order to truly apply it to our daily lives. Here is a perfect example:

"Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true." Acts 17:11

Paul was a great apostle, and it was evident he was divinely appointed by God and full of much wisdom and truth. However, even with Paul the Bereans put him to the ultimate test. It doesn't matter who it is: Benny Hinn, Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore, Joel Osteen, etc., they are human and could be wrong, that is why God supplied us with His word, so we could know His precepts and discern between true and false.

So, that is what I did. I put my dads words and personal revelation to the ultimate test. What I came up with is that he is right and I am wrong, and not just me but many of the teachers who have influenced me to believe and think the way I did. That is another reason why we not only have to be careful what we believe but also what we teach.

For years now I have viewed the supernatural powers of good and evil kind of like on the cartoons. On one side I have the angelic presence trying to tell me to do good, while on the other side I have the demonic force tempting me and encouraging me to sin. Anytime I did sin, I blamed it on the Devil, because surely he was right there telling me to do it, and because of him I did. I have countless memories of sitting in church or watching it on television and the speaker confessing these evil forces at work in the world and in our lives, without knowing or explaining how they operate. Many Christians are so engulfed in the topic of spiritual warfare, that they are quick to blame any evil thing on the enemy. By doing so, they completely detract human responsibility and make the Father of Pride even more proud by giving him too much credit. The blame game is in our nature. It is much easier to blame someone else rather than take responsibility for our own actions. We cannot dictate our problems at the feet of the enemy and not examine our own part in it.

Now I will say there is definitely proof of existence of satanic and demonic activity and temptation throughout the Bible, i.e.: The fall of man, Jesus being tempted in the Garden, demonically possessed individuals, Jesus and the apostles casting out demons, etc. However, we are sinners by birth and a lot of our sin comes from our own flesh and our own decisions without any outside influence.

Jeremiah 17:9 says: "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?

All things means all things, that includes the enemy. Our own hearts are more capable of being deceitful than the enemy we attempt to blame all our problems on. Let's look at a couple more verses:

Romans 1:24: "Therefore God also gave them up to cleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves,.."

Romans 1:28: "And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased (another version uses the word reprobate) mind, to do those things which are not fitting;"

Romans 1:29: "Being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness;..."

There are plenty of other relevant verses that I came across during my study. Notice how the enemy isn't mentioned once. It is a description of self (flesh). Lusts of our own hearts and minds, we don't need the enemy to do these things for us, we do it on our own. Paul spends ample amount of time trying to help us get rid of our self (flesh) and be lead by the Holy Spirit that dwells within us (or should anyway!):

Galatians 5:17-21: "For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish."

Peter also writes:

1 Peter 2:11: "Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul"

Let's take the story of Job into consideration: God gave Satan permission to tempt Job. What does that tell us? Satan only has the power to do what God allows him to do. Yes, Satan has been called the Prince of this world, however, God is the King. Christ defeated Satan with his death, resurrection and burial. Satan is limited in the things he can and can't do.

Therefore, the conclusion I came up with is that we are our own worst enemies. Satan does tempt but not all sin we commit comes from him. If we stay involved in evil practices we do open the door up to Satan. People say and act as if they have no control over the things going on in their lives-probably because they're looking in the wrong place (as I mentioned in a previous post). If you keep looking for the enemy's work in your life, when it is not his work, but your own, you will never find the answers you are looking for. Let's not give the Father of Pride a reason to be more proud, he doesn't deserve any credit, let alone way too much!

Day 14

Congratulations to me, congratulations to me, congratulations tooo meeee, congratulations to me! Well, I have made it 2 weeks without a drink or a smoke--one more week and I will have officially made it through the deemed 21 days in order to completely break a habit, or form one for that matter. I will have broken several bad habits and formed several good ones! And like I said before...If I can do it, anyone can do it!

Alright, let's dive right into my lesson for today from the Great Professor: freedom.

The dictionary describes freedom as: "Exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.; the power to determine action without restraint; personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery."

Freedom is a very meaningful word, and has different connotations to each individual. Some people may think of freedom from slavery, others freedom of speech, freedom of the press, economical freedom, religious freedom, etc.

There are numerous amounts of songs addressing freedom and the desire to be free. Several examples are "Redemption Song" Bob Marley, "Free" Stevie Wonder, "A Great Day for Freedom" Pink Floyd, "Freedom for my People," U2, and many more. Not to mention our country was founded on freedom and billions of people all over the world would give anything (many giving their lives) to be free.

That's freedom in an earthly sense. However, freedom in a heavenly sense is far more important, it is the answer, the key, the reason and purpose behind everything we know, and all that we don't know. The Bible says:

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love." Galatians 5:13

Okay, here comes the meat:

True freedom can only be achieved through Jesus; only He can set us free. However, freedom cannot be forced, therefore all of the people I hear saying that God doesn't care and He isn't listening, he has forsaken and abandoned them, are missing it. It is up to us to choose freedom, and after we choose it, to walk in it. If He were to force it upon us then it would not be freedom. John 8:36 says "So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed." Many are taking that out of context, it doesn't mean immediately you are free from everything, that you won't struggle, and that all of your fleshy, sinful desires will go away. Freedom is a process, not instantaneous. It comes from having a daily relationship with Christ. The closer you get and the more you lean on Him, the more the hurt, pain, resentment, unforgiveness, etc. that resides within you will start to come out. It is a lifelong process, with many victories and revelations along the way, and in the end--ultimate freedom and leading the life we were created to from the very beginning.

This was so monumental for me. I lived in resentment and anger towards God for so long, blaming Him and angry that He wouldn't change me or make things easier. I knew He had the capabilities, after all, He is God, He can do anything He wants. I get it now, and I'm okay with it. What is something worth if it isn't earned? (I realize that Jesus paid the price for our freedom, and nothing we ever do can or will pay Him back. I'm not addressing earning salvation, rather freedom from addictions, bad thought lives, bad relationships, etc.) There is a much greater sense of accomplishment and significance when the freedom is payed for and not just handed over. I struggled with cigarettes and alcohol for a long time. Yes, God could have healed me instantly, but would I have realized how much I really needed Him? Would I have realized how true it is, that He is the way, the truth and the light? That on the other side, there is nothing but chaos and distress. Would I be able to help people like I can now because I truly understand what it is like for something to have control over your life, to try for years to let it go and fail time and time again? The answer is absolutely not.

He has blessed me with freedom in several areas of my life, although there's a lot more work to be done. I look forward to revelation knowledge in the future, to learning more about Him and myself, to test myself beyond what I think I'm capable of, and little by little getting rid of the bad and replacing it with good.

Through every lesson, I come to the same conclusion: God knows what He is doing and things are the way they are for a reason. I cannot limit God to what I can come up with, He is far greater than that.

Day 12 and 13

The last three days' lesson was on love.

The NKJV mentions the word love approximately 442 times. The Bible tells us that God is love, and that we were created in His image, therefore context clues lead me to believe that we are also love. That is hard to believe in certain circumstances when serial killers, child molesters, rapists, and murderers come to mind, however, we must take into consideration that those people were not created that way (contrary to what some psychiatrists say, but quite frankly I don't care what they say, I care what God says. After all much of their ideas and studies are categorized as "theories" anyhow, obviously because they don't have enough proof, and that's probably because it's not true to begin with). I am not discrediting science, after all God created that too, I am simply discrediting certain studies that are contrary to the Bible (such as the one mentioned above, as well as others like people are born gay, we came from monkeys, out of a huge explosion of energy all of the miraculous, breathtaking elements of life just magically appeared, etc.)

Sorry, as you know by now if you are a loyal reader of my posts, I can get off course. Back to love.....

The dictionary describes love as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person."

The Bible tells us:

"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end... And now faith, hope and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Now it sounds beautiful to read it, and definitely something I want to feel and how I want to live my life. However, I actually found myself wondering if I have ever truly felt love. How does love feel? I have had people offer me love, but did I accept it? Can you accept a gift without truly receiving it? I know I have loved others, I think of when my daughter was born, or the day I married my husband, and I know I felt love then, but to what degree? Have I missed out on large quantities of the very thing that makes the world go round? The very emotion we were created from and made to give. The answer is - I think so, pretty sure I know so.

It would take me all night to explain it in depth so I'm gonna summarize:

Child never feels love, never gets attention, starts trying to get attention (negative or positive, doesn't matter), starts getting in to trouble and making bad decisions, feels bad for doing bad things, doesn't love self, blames self for everything, ends up with shame, guilt, anger, depression, regret, extremely low self-esteem and a jacked up self-image. How's that for summary? And at a 3rd grade level to ensure no confusion!

I wanted love at first, but after much discouragement and dismay, my search for love turned into a search for approval. All I wanted was to be accepted, sometimes in the wrong way. I tried to be like who I was hanging out with in order to receive that acceptance. I always wanted to make people happy and meet their approval. I gave myself to guys that didn't deserve my time, let alone my body. I allowed myself to take part in things I knew were wrong whether it be atmosphere, conversation, music, etc. I continued to do things I hated, all the while not knowing why I was doing it. In turn, each bad memory took a portion of my self-love supply and eventually the supply was empty. I found myself going through the motions without truly loving life. I would watch others and desire more than anything to have their joy and appreciation for life. Although I might of appeared to have it, it was nowhere in me. Life was not beautiful to me, it wasn't special, matter of fact there were plenty of times I would ask God why he put me here and be angry because I didn't ask to be here.

The reality is hurt people, hurt people. And not just other people, but themselves as well. I have felt better this last couple of weeks than possibly any other time in my life. Once I started taking care of my body, things changed. I have begun to forgive myself, as well as love myself. I am a good person, I have a good heart, I have been blessed with a beautiful family and I have more than a lot of people in this world. God has been on my side and protected me through it all. He has forgiven me and He has a plan for my life. He LOVES me, and I LOVE Him. I don't know if I truly loved Him before. I always knew He was there, I acknowledged Him as my Creator, yet I didn't have a relationship with Him. We're tight now, I spend time with Him, I talk to Him, He talks to me, I have begun to hate evil, and have a desire to do good.

I am a walking testimony to His word and His precepts. He knows what is best for us and He loves us so much. Tears come to my eyes when I say that because it is more real to me now than ever before. I don't think a lot of people truly realize how deep His love is for us... I know I didn't.

Love yourself, you are a beautiful creation. Take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up for past mistakes. Don't let your history affect your destiny. Don't let the enemy lie to you any longer. Spend time with God everyday, even if it's just 5 minutes. He wants your attention, he wants your love, he wants to be intimate with you. He will talk to you, he will reveal things to you and most of all..... He will LOVE you and you will feel it.

Day 10 and 11

Once again I must apologize for not fulfilling my commitment and once again missing a post... I might just have to allow myself a "get out of blog free card" once a week in order to resolve the issue at hand...

Anyhow, moving on....

In the words of Oprah, I just had an "aha moment!" As I type this my eyes are so swollen it is hard for me to see the screen. I just had a good cry, a deep cry, the kind that comes from the depths of your soul. It was cleansing and most definitely necessary for the healing process I am undergoing.

Thank God for revelation knowledge. As we grow and mature, we realize and understand things we have known all along, yet in a different way, a different light. That is what has happened to me on more than one occasion but definitely tonight.

I began to think about my past behavior and why I have done the things I've done. I questioned why I am full of so many wounds and such deep hurt. I went to my quiet place (my closet) and fell on my knees before God. The answer I got to the question I asked was this: You never felt you had a place, yet you've had a place all along. Very simple, yet very complex. Visions of my life's history rushed through my mind. I never felt at home, no matter where I was. At my mom's house I was on a couch in the living room, at my Dad's, it never felt "homey" and most of the time he was working, I lived with numerous people after that which I am extremely grateful for, but I was the charity case. Those people weren't my parents, that wasn't my home, that was their home and the house I lived in. That's what I have been doing all along-trying to find my place in this world. That's really what we are all doing. There's only one problem: most of us are looking in the wrong places.

Alcohol, drugs (legal and illegal), food, clothes, money, cars, fame, success, etc. That is where people are trying to find their place. Have you noticed that none of them are happy? Depression and anxiety have skyrocketed within the last decade. People are lost. They're drowning in all of the crap they are consuming themselves in and around. Everyone's trying to find their purpose, their reason for existence. Why go on a lifelong search full of empty promises and negative results when the guide, the source, was written and placed before us thousands of years ago. We all have a place, that place is temporarily here on earth. However, we are created to be eternal beings. David in Psalms tells us this life is but a breath. Our happiness, our purpose, everything we are searching for, everything we need is waiting for us. We have to run this race and stay focused. We can't get off course by all of life's distractions.

So even if I never felt I had a place in this life, it really doesn't matter, and I can let go off all those wounds and all that hurt because I always have and always will have a place with my Papa, my maker, my creator.

Day 9

It is quite interesting how when we develop a habit and allow it to become a part of our daily lives, it also becomes a part of our identity. I realized this more so than ever today....

We took our car in to have some work done and as we waited, I remembered the last time I was there, sitting in the chair outside under the tree and smoking. I thought about how if I knew I was going to be waiting somewhere, I would make sure I had enough cigarettes. It was as if I couldn't tolerate or bear being stuck somewhere and not have a smoke. Like the world would end, or I would just explode.

I had a similar thought while I was walking this evening. As I passed Central Market where they have live music on Thursdays, I thought about how Marques and I would sit in the grass above the patio on a blanket and drink while we listened to the band. If I didn't have something to drink, then it made no sense to go. That was the case in many other instances, if I couldn't drink, then it wouldn't be enjoyable. It literally became my identity. I was a drinker and a smoker, and it was part of my everyday life, it was part of me. It was as if I couldn't exist without it, like a missing piece in my being.

We have to be very careful what habits we establish in our lives, because before we know it this very thing takes place--they become a part of us, and they are hard as hell to part with.

As we did our daily devotional, we were reading about when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. The moral of the story is to demonstrate and exemplify Abrahams unwavering obedience. However, my mind took another path, and I applied it to what I mentioned above. I began to think of all the stories in the Bible, and even modern day, where people have sacrificed, and struggled, and stood firm and steadfast through it all. People who have lost their sons and daughters, whose homes have burnt to the ground, who's children have been kidnapped, who have dealt with unimaginable circumstances. Now that is struggle, and that is life. We all have our hurts and our cries. We are meant to learn from every circumstance, and remain strong in our faith and our prayers, knowing that God has a plan, and it is far greater than our minds could ever conceive. Who are we to demand answers, or get angry with Him as if He doesn't know what He is doing. If he can create the world around us, the universe, basically creation in its entirety, what makes us think He can't or won't control what happens in it?

When I begin to think in those terms, smoking and drinking become so insignificant. And struggling for so long to let them go seems even more insignificant. However, I do understand what its like to have that addiction, and it is definitely difficult to let go of. I never have nor ever will judge someone for doing it, for doing anything really. Taking into consideration everything I've done, I don't have the right to judge even if I wanted to. Part of my mess turned into a gift, which is the gift of mercy!

The key is looking outside of the box, changing your way of thinking, taking everything into consideration, replacing bad habits with good ones, and most of all getting a daily dosage of God. However, more than anything, remaining there. I have been where I am right now, and thought just as I am thinking, however, I lost my drive and routine, I became lazy and eventually found myself drowning once again in my old ways.

So here's to changing -- and not changing back!