Day 7

Marques calls me on his way home from work and tells me while speaking to his mother she reminded him of how when I was pregnant with Madison, I would run to the door to greet him every evening when he came home from work. Tears filled my eyes as that very memory came rushing to my mind. It's true, there was a time when I ran to greet him instead of a small smile and quick hello kiss. We were young and in love with an unexpected pregnancy and no idea of what we were getting ourselves into. It didn't matter though, we were going to have a family, and we were excited. It didn't matter how much money we were making or what our cars looked like, or the fact that we were living with his mother. All that mattered was we had each other.

What happened to us? How did we get so lost? How did we end up causing each other wounds that stabbed us to the very core of our being?

I know exactly what happened...life happened. We realized it isn't how Hollywood portrays it. Life isn't a fairytale, it's real. Unexpected events happen, people we love hurt us and we hurt them. It's how we deal with the disheartening realization and unexpected events that determines where and how we end up.

I chose to block it out, mask it, pretend it wasn't happening, just like I had done my entire life. It's how I operated and I must say I am a fabulous actress. I was toppled by financial, emotional, and mental issues, one after another and had no coping mechanism to deter them. Yes, there was a coping mechanism available to me (God), however, I was not channeling Him. The end result....chaos.

I abandoned Marques, and in some ways Madison. I worked full time and went to school full time, yes in part to sustain us financially and prepare for my future, but also to pretend my reality, well, was not my reality. Being a wife and mother was much harder than I had thought, and Marques and my high stress levels resulted in fights, and that wasn't how I had planned out my fairytale when I was a little girl. My knight in shining armor didn't ride in on a donkey because he couldn't afford a horse, and put me in a trailer instead of a castle. He didn't yell at me or quit paying attention to me. He was supposed to treat me like a princess, no matter what. Well, like I mentioned before, life is not a fairytale, its real. And in Marques' defense, a lot of my behavior didn't warrant princess privileges anyhow.

In escaping my reality, I neglected my husband, who in turn grew bitterness and resentment towards me. If only I knew then what I know now... classic words of any one who has been married for a substantial amount of time. Men are quite simple. They need three things: affection, approval, and sex. With those three things you have a happy man, who in turn desires and tries to make you a happy woman. He didn't get any of those things for a long time, well actually at all. Well, not all three at once any way. Some months were for sex, some for approval, and some for affection.

It all goes back to my other post about our minds and who we let control them. The enemy had free range in mine. He is out to steal, kill and destroy and his main focus is families. I must say he has been quite successful. In a society with a 50% divorce rate, "shacking up" instead of marriage, children being used as leverage and raised in daycares, and the ultimate culprit: feminism. Okay, okay, sorry, I can get carried away sometimes, and at this rate I will write a book before I finish this post. I'll save all that for another time, but you get where I'm going (I hope so anyway:)

Basically, I abandoned and rejected my husband, causing rejection and anger in him towards me, resulting in aggressive behavior, affairs, alcoholism, anxiety, depression, the whole nine yards. Yes, I know... pretty serious stuff. It is evidence of what can happen when you let the enemy come into your life, whether you are a "Christian" or not. Heck, he's after the Christians even more, they are the ones he wants to corrupt, why would he want to corrupt the already corrupt? Makes no sense, its like killing the dead, come on now.

As I began to think about my marriage, I began to see similarities with my relationship with God. It's the same thing, I think that things are going to go one way, and when they don't, I get angry and blame God; resulting in distancing myself from Him, and ultimately inviting chaos into my life. Its parallel, without a healthy relationship with my husband (my other half, who's flesh is my flesh and bone is my bone) I cannot function correctly. I invite negativity and all that comes with it into my life, just like with God. I was created to have an intimate relationship with Him, He is a part of me, so when I cut myself off from Him, I invite chaos into my life, and the enemy becomes my ruler.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. We have been to hell and back, but when you're at the bottom you can only go up, and that is what we are attempting to do. We want to go straight up and keep going until we hit the top. I've had some people ask me how I am comfortable being so public with all of this. My reply is that, this is my calling. It's all of our callings. You cannot be effective until you've been affected. We weren't placed here to walk around pretending we are perfect and don't make mistakes. We are told to confess our sins one to another, to help those around us and share our testimonies. This is my testimony and I will share it with whoever wants or needs to hear it. If I can make a difference in one person's life, then it will all be worth it.

The main point of this post is to cherish your relationships. First and foremost with your Maker, even if things aren't going your way, and second with your family and friends. Don't neglect and abandon those around you. Treat God and your loved ones as if you loved them with your last breath. Ask yourself every day how you can make their life worth living, because in turn it will make yours worth living also. And be the kind of person you would want to be around, love, come home to, sacrifice for, etc. That's what I'm trying to do, and it is changing my life!