However, you probably knew that was coming seeing how in my last post I explained that the first few days were not that hard. I have always been told that the first 3 days you quit smoking are the hardest and if you can make it through them, you can do it. Not me. I've gone 3 days without smoking, and even more than that before with no struggle whatsoever. My true test has not been given, but I will surely inform you when it happens.
Today was a normal day in the Murff household; cleaning, arguing with Madison about cleaning her room and it turning into an all day ordeal rather than the 30 minutes it should take, cooking, more cleaning, Oprah at 4, girls scouts at 6, the typical Thursday. Except for a few things:
1. I listened to Christian rock while cleaning, instead of my typical classic rock playlist. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with classic rock at all, it is by far my favorite (secular) genre, however, there is no doubt that a different vibe and atmosphere is created when singing about God rather than Mr. Roboto Painting it Black on a Crazy Train with Beasts of Burdens and American Women!
2. Madison rode her bike to girl scouts and I walked, which incorporated 30 minutes of exercise into our day.
3. We had family worship for the first time EVER outside of church, in our home. That is so crazy to me. Children do what you do not what you say. I have been told that all along, and Marques and I have done a great job instilling positive values and lessons into Madison......with our words, however, our actions have been the complete opposite.
We decided to do family worship in the evenings after our family walk, and we have chosen to read "The Power of Praying Through the Bible," by Stormie Omartian. It is full of 2 page devotionals, with a scripture, advice from the author, and a prayer. It was definitely encouraging and special. Matter of fact, that is the miracle behind the word of God. No matter what your situation, you can always find comfort and healing in the scriptures.
Tonight's verse was:
"And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being." Genesis 2:7 (NKJV)
All I could think about was the importance of breath, how we were created from it, and how it gives us life. I started to really think about smoking and how it is essentially breathing in death. Does that make any sense? God gave me the breath of life, and I chose to breathe in death. I should be in awe that I was given breath in the first place and I have the privilege to use it to communicate with my Maker, and those I love. Why on earth would I want to take that away? The obvious truth is I don't love myself, and I'm not sure if I ever have. I have shame and guilt from all the bad choices I've made and secrets I've kept, that I don't care enough to take care of myself and in some sub-concious sick way, I am punishing myself for bad behavior. That along with a consumption addiction.
I realized that last night. I have a consumption addiction. I need fillers, it doesn't matter exactly what it is (although alcohol would be my first choice), I just need something to fill the void. If I can't drink, then I'll smoke, if I can't smoke, then I'll eat, etc. Whatever's around. I have never fully had a food addiction, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I did eat more when I wasn't smoking or drinking. Last night I had a huge urge to just eat. I wasn't hungry, and it was late at night but I craved food. Probably because I wouldn't allow myself anything else. I denied my urge, and began to focus on the emotions I was feeling and why I needed to ingest something. I am determined to continue that exercise.
I have read when you quit something, you have to replace it with something else, and a lot of people gain weight for that reason. I have created schedules and daily activities and am trying to incorporate new traditions in our lives. I feel if I am busy with God, family and friends, I will be less likely to develop new bad habits or fall back into old ones.
I will close with this prayer:
Lord, I thank You for the breath of life You have given me. I pray You will breathe new life into me today. Just as you spoke and brought about life in Your magnificent world, help me to speak words that bring life into my own small world as well. How grateful I am to be closely connected to You in every way.
Amen and Amen!
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