Day 15

I'm writing this post much earlier than usual. The day is only half way over, however for the past three and half hours I have been in deep study and thought about this topic and there is no doubt in my mind it is what I was and am supposed to address today in my own life and possibly in yours as well.

My earthly father brought this to my attention through an email yesterday and since then it has been on my mind and in my prayers with my Heavenly Father. I must apologize for any mentions in my blog regarding this topic, because I am most definitely guilty of not doing my homework and falling victim to "new age revelation."

The topic at hand is: Giving Satan Too Much Credit.

This topic easily ties in with yesterday's lesson about freedom. We have freedom in Christ and the enemy has been defeated.

Not sure where to begin because this could go many ways and I have written 6 pages of notes, so I pray that my words be His words and my message be as clear to you as it has been shown to me.

When I read my Dad's email, I had a witness that he was writing the truth, however, the Word is the basis for testing all truths, so it doesn't matter what he says or anyone else for that matter, the ultimate question is how does it match up with what God says? Many of us believe what we hear much to often. We have to be sure to put it to the ultimate test in order to truly apply it to our daily lives. Here is a perfect example:

"Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true." Acts 17:11

Paul was a great apostle, and it was evident he was divinely appointed by God and full of much wisdom and truth. However, even with Paul the Bereans put him to the ultimate test. It doesn't matter who it is: Benny Hinn, Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore, Joel Osteen, etc., they are human and could be wrong, that is why God supplied us with His word, so we could know His precepts and discern between true and false.

So, that is what I did. I put my dads words and personal revelation to the ultimate test. What I came up with is that he is right and I am wrong, and not just me but many of the teachers who have influenced me to believe and think the way I did. That is another reason why we not only have to be careful what we believe but also what we teach.

For years now I have viewed the supernatural powers of good and evil kind of like on the cartoons. On one side I have the angelic presence trying to tell me to do good, while on the other side I have the demonic force tempting me and encouraging me to sin. Anytime I did sin, I blamed it on the Devil, because surely he was right there telling me to do it, and because of him I did. I have countless memories of sitting in church or watching it on television and the speaker confessing these evil forces at work in the world and in our lives, without knowing or explaining how they operate. Many Christians are so engulfed in the topic of spiritual warfare, that they are quick to blame any evil thing on the enemy. By doing so, they completely detract human responsibility and make the Father of Pride even more proud by giving him too much credit. The blame game is in our nature. It is much easier to blame someone else rather than take responsibility for our own actions. We cannot dictate our problems at the feet of the enemy and not examine our own part in it.

Now I will say there is definitely proof of existence of satanic and demonic activity and temptation throughout the Bible, i.e.: The fall of man, Jesus being tempted in the Garden, demonically possessed individuals, Jesus and the apostles casting out demons, etc. However, we are sinners by birth and a lot of our sin comes from our own flesh and our own decisions without any outside influence.

Jeremiah 17:9 says: "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?

All things means all things, that includes the enemy. Our own hearts are more capable of being deceitful than the enemy we attempt to blame all our problems on. Let's look at a couple more verses:

Romans 1:24: "Therefore God also gave them up to cleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves,.."

Romans 1:28: "And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased (another version uses the word reprobate) mind, to do those things which are not fitting;"

Romans 1:29: "Being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness;..."

There are plenty of other relevant verses that I came across during my study. Notice how the enemy isn't mentioned once. It is a description of self (flesh). Lusts of our own hearts and minds, we don't need the enemy to do these things for us, we do it on our own. Paul spends ample amount of time trying to help us get rid of our self (flesh) and be lead by the Holy Spirit that dwells within us (or should anyway!):

Galatians 5:17-21: "For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish."

Peter also writes:

1 Peter 2:11: "Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul"

Let's take the story of Job into consideration: God gave Satan permission to tempt Job. What does that tell us? Satan only has the power to do what God allows him to do. Yes, Satan has been called the Prince of this world, however, God is the King. Christ defeated Satan with his death, resurrection and burial. Satan is limited in the things he can and can't do.

Therefore, the conclusion I came up with is that we are our own worst enemies. Satan does tempt but not all sin we commit comes from him. If we stay involved in evil practices we do open the door up to Satan. People say and act as if they have no control over the things going on in their lives-probably because they're looking in the wrong place (as I mentioned in a previous post). If you keep looking for the enemy's work in your life, when it is not his work, but your own, you will never find the answers you are looking for. Let's not give the Father of Pride a reason to be more proud, he doesn't deserve any credit, let alone way too much!

Day 14

Congratulations to me, congratulations to me, congratulations tooo meeee, congratulations to me! Well, I have made it 2 weeks without a drink or a smoke--one more week and I will have officially made it through the deemed 21 days in order to completely break a habit, or form one for that matter. I will have broken several bad habits and formed several good ones! And like I said before...If I can do it, anyone can do it!

Alright, let's dive right into my lesson for today from the Great Professor: freedom.

The dictionary describes freedom as: "Exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.; the power to determine action without restraint; personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery."

Freedom is a very meaningful word, and has different connotations to each individual. Some people may think of freedom from slavery, others freedom of speech, freedom of the press, economical freedom, religious freedom, etc.

There are numerous amounts of songs addressing freedom and the desire to be free. Several examples are "Redemption Song" Bob Marley, "Free" Stevie Wonder, "A Great Day for Freedom" Pink Floyd, "Freedom for my People," U2, and many more. Not to mention our country was founded on freedom and billions of people all over the world would give anything (many giving their lives) to be free.

That's freedom in an earthly sense. However, freedom in a heavenly sense is far more important, it is the answer, the key, the reason and purpose behind everything we know, and all that we don't know. The Bible says:

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love." Galatians 5:13

Okay, here comes the meat:

True freedom can only be achieved through Jesus; only He can set us free. However, freedom cannot be forced, therefore all of the people I hear saying that God doesn't care and He isn't listening, he has forsaken and abandoned them, are missing it. It is up to us to choose freedom, and after we choose it, to walk in it. If He were to force it upon us then it would not be freedom. John 8:36 says "So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed." Many are taking that out of context, it doesn't mean immediately you are free from everything, that you won't struggle, and that all of your fleshy, sinful desires will go away. Freedom is a process, not instantaneous. It comes from having a daily relationship with Christ. The closer you get and the more you lean on Him, the more the hurt, pain, resentment, unforgiveness, etc. that resides within you will start to come out. It is a lifelong process, with many victories and revelations along the way, and in the end--ultimate freedom and leading the life we were created to from the very beginning.

This was so monumental for me. I lived in resentment and anger towards God for so long, blaming Him and angry that He wouldn't change me or make things easier. I knew He had the capabilities, after all, He is God, He can do anything He wants. I get it now, and I'm okay with it. What is something worth if it isn't earned? (I realize that Jesus paid the price for our freedom, and nothing we ever do can or will pay Him back. I'm not addressing earning salvation, rather freedom from addictions, bad thought lives, bad relationships, etc.) There is a much greater sense of accomplishment and significance when the freedom is payed for and not just handed over. I struggled with cigarettes and alcohol for a long time. Yes, God could have healed me instantly, but would I have realized how much I really needed Him? Would I have realized how true it is, that He is the way, the truth and the light? That on the other side, there is nothing but chaos and distress. Would I be able to help people like I can now because I truly understand what it is like for something to have control over your life, to try for years to let it go and fail time and time again? The answer is absolutely not.

He has blessed me with freedom in several areas of my life, although there's a lot more work to be done. I look forward to revelation knowledge in the future, to learning more about Him and myself, to test myself beyond what I think I'm capable of, and little by little getting rid of the bad and replacing it with good.

Through every lesson, I come to the same conclusion: God knows what He is doing and things are the way they are for a reason. I cannot limit God to what I can come up with, He is far greater than that.

Day 12 and 13

The last three days' lesson was on love.

The NKJV mentions the word love approximately 442 times. The Bible tells us that God is love, and that we were created in His image, therefore context clues lead me to believe that we are also love. That is hard to believe in certain circumstances when serial killers, child molesters, rapists, and murderers come to mind, however, we must take into consideration that those people were not created that way (contrary to what some psychiatrists say, but quite frankly I don't care what they say, I care what God says. After all much of their ideas and studies are categorized as "theories" anyhow, obviously because they don't have enough proof, and that's probably because it's not true to begin with). I am not discrediting science, after all God created that too, I am simply discrediting certain studies that are contrary to the Bible (such as the one mentioned above, as well as others like people are born gay, we came from monkeys, out of a huge explosion of energy all of the miraculous, breathtaking elements of life just magically appeared, etc.)

Sorry, as you know by now if you are a loyal reader of my posts, I can get off course. Back to love.....

The dictionary describes love as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person."

The Bible tells us:

"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end... And now faith, hope and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Now it sounds beautiful to read it, and definitely something I want to feel and how I want to live my life. However, I actually found myself wondering if I have ever truly felt love. How does love feel? I have had people offer me love, but did I accept it? Can you accept a gift without truly receiving it? I know I have loved others, I think of when my daughter was born, or the day I married my husband, and I know I felt love then, but to what degree? Have I missed out on large quantities of the very thing that makes the world go round? The very emotion we were created from and made to give. The answer is - I think so, pretty sure I know so.

It would take me all night to explain it in depth so I'm gonna summarize:

Child never feels love, never gets attention, starts trying to get attention (negative or positive, doesn't matter), starts getting in to trouble and making bad decisions, feels bad for doing bad things, doesn't love self, blames self for everything, ends up with shame, guilt, anger, depression, regret, extremely low self-esteem and a jacked up self-image. How's that for summary? And at a 3rd grade level to ensure no confusion!

I wanted love at first, but after much discouragement and dismay, my search for love turned into a search for approval. All I wanted was to be accepted, sometimes in the wrong way. I tried to be like who I was hanging out with in order to receive that acceptance. I always wanted to make people happy and meet their approval. I gave myself to guys that didn't deserve my time, let alone my body. I allowed myself to take part in things I knew were wrong whether it be atmosphere, conversation, music, etc. I continued to do things I hated, all the while not knowing why I was doing it. In turn, each bad memory took a portion of my self-love supply and eventually the supply was empty. I found myself going through the motions without truly loving life. I would watch others and desire more than anything to have their joy and appreciation for life. Although I might of appeared to have it, it was nowhere in me. Life was not beautiful to me, it wasn't special, matter of fact there were plenty of times I would ask God why he put me here and be angry because I didn't ask to be here.

The reality is hurt people, hurt people. And not just other people, but themselves as well. I have felt better this last couple of weeks than possibly any other time in my life. Once I started taking care of my body, things changed. I have begun to forgive myself, as well as love myself. I am a good person, I have a good heart, I have been blessed with a beautiful family and I have more than a lot of people in this world. God has been on my side and protected me through it all. He has forgiven me and He has a plan for my life. He LOVES me, and I LOVE Him. I don't know if I truly loved Him before. I always knew He was there, I acknowledged Him as my Creator, yet I didn't have a relationship with Him. We're tight now, I spend time with Him, I talk to Him, He talks to me, I have begun to hate evil, and have a desire to do good.

I am a walking testimony to His word and His precepts. He knows what is best for us and He loves us so much. Tears come to my eyes when I say that because it is more real to me now than ever before. I don't think a lot of people truly realize how deep His love is for us... I know I didn't.

Love yourself, you are a beautiful creation. Take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up for past mistakes. Don't let your history affect your destiny. Don't let the enemy lie to you any longer. Spend time with God everyday, even if it's just 5 minutes. He wants your attention, he wants your love, he wants to be intimate with you. He will talk to you, he will reveal things to you and most of all..... He will LOVE you and you will feel it.

Day 10 and 11

Once again I must apologize for not fulfilling my commitment and once again missing a post... I might just have to allow myself a "get out of blog free card" once a week in order to resolve the issue at hand...

Anyhow, moving on....

In the words of Oprah, I just had an "aha moment!" As I type this my eyes are so swollen it is hard for me to see the screen. I just had a good cry, a deep cry, the kind that comes from the depths of your soul. It was cleansing and most definitely necessary for the healing process I am undergoing.

Thank God for revelation knowledge. As we grow and mature, we realize and understand things we have known all along, yet in a different way, a different light. That is what has happened to me on more than one occasion but definitely tonight.

I began to think about my past behavior and why I have done the things I've done. I questioned why I am full of so many wounds and such deep hurt. I went to my quiet place (my closet) and fell on my knees before God. The answer I got to the question I asked was this: You never felt you had a place, yet you've had a place all along. Very simple, yet very complex. Visions of my life's history rushed through my mind. I never felt at home, no matter where I was. At my mom's house I was on a couch in the living room, at my Dad's, it never felt "homey" and most of the time he was working, I lived with numerous people after that which I am extremely grateful for, but I was the charity case. Those people weren't my parents, that wasn't my home, that was their home and the house I lived in. That's what I have been doing all along-trying to find my place in this world. That's really what we are all doing. There's only one problem: most of us are looking in the wrong places.

Alcohol, drugs (legal and illegal), food, clothes, money, cars, fame, success, etc. That is where people are trying to find their place. Have you noticed that none of them are happy? Depression and anxiety have skyrocketed within the last decade. People are lost. They're drowning in all of the crap they are consuming themselves in and around. Everyone's trying to find their purpose, their reason for existence. Why go on a lifelong search full of empty promises and negative results when the guide, the source, was written and placed before us thousands of years ago. We all have a place, that place is temporarily here on earth. However, we are created to be eternal beings. David in Psalms tells us this life is but a breath. Our happiness, our purpose, everything we are searching for, everything we need is waiting for us. We have to run this race and stay focused. We can't get off course by all of life's distractions.

So even if I never felt I had a place in this life, it really doesn't matter, and I can let go off all those wounds and all that hurt because I always have and always will have a place with my Papa, my maker, my creator.

Day 9

It is quite interesting how when we develop a habit and allow it to become a part of our daily lives, it also becomes a part of our identity. I realized this more so than ever today....

We took our car in to have some work done and as we waited, I remembered the last time I was there, sitting in the chair outside under the tree and smoking. I thought about how if I knew I was going to be waiting somewhere, I would make sure I had enough cigarettes. It was as if I couldn't tolerate or bear being stuck somewhere and not have a smoke. Like the world would end, or I would just explode.

I had a similar thought while I was walking this evening. As I passed Central Market where they have live music on Thursdays, I thought about how Marques and I would sit in the grass above the patio on a blanket and drink while we listened to the band. If I didn't have something to drink, then it made no sense to go. That was the case in many other instances, if I couldn't drink, then it wouldn't be enjoyable. It literally became my identity. I was a drinker and a smoker, and it was part of my everyday life, it was part of me. It was as if I couldn't exist without it, like a missing piece in my being.

We have to be very careful what habits we establish in our lives, because before we know it this very thing takes place--they become a part of us, and they are hard as hell to part with.

As we did our daily devotional, we were reading about when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. The moral of the story is to demonstrate and exemplify Abrahams unwavering obedience. However, my mind took another path, and I applied it to what I mentioned above. I began to think of all the stories in the Bible, and even modern day, where people have sacrificed, and struggled, and stood firm and steadfast through it all. People who have lost their sons and daughters, whose homes have burnt to the ground, who's children have been kidnapped, who have dealt with unimaginable circumstances. Now that is struggle, and that is life. We all have our hurts and our cries. We are meant to learn from every circumstance, and remain strong in our faith and our prayers, knowing that God has a plan, and it is far greater than our minds could ever conceive. Who are we to demand answers, or get angry with Him as if He doesn't know what He is doing. If he can create the world around us, the universe, basically creation in its entirety, what makes us think He can't or won't control what happens in it?

When I begin to think in those terms, smoking and drinking become so insignificant. And struggling for so long to let them go seems even more insignificant. However, I do understand what its like to have that addiction, and it is definitely difficult to let go of. I never have nor ever will judge someone for doing it, for doing anything really. Taking into consideration everything I've done, I don't have the right to judge even if I wanted to. Part of my mess turned into a gift, which is the gift of mercy!

The key is looking outside of the box, changing your way of thinking, taking everything into consideration, replacing bad habits with good ones, and most of all getting a daily dosage of God. However, more than anything, remaining there. I have been where I am right now, and thought just as I am thinking, however, I lost my drive and routine, I became lazy and eventually found myself drowning once again in my old ways.

So here's to changing -- and not changing back!

Day 8

All is well in the Murff household, we are staying strong and have officially gone one week with no substance abuse! Yay, for us! It actually has not been near as challenging as I predicted. I have to give all glory to God for that because any other time we tried to quit and didn't invite Him into our daily routine, we failed immediately. We have only quit for a substantial amount of time once before (aside from my pregnancy), and during that time, we were very active in our church and highly dedicated to our relationship with Him. What does that tell me? That nothing is impossible with God, and our chance of success is much higher in whatever we do as long as He is part of it.

Every post that I have published thus far has flowed out of me as if I would explode if I didn't get it written down. That is not the case tonight. I don't have anything in particular screaming to get out.

I will say that God answers prayer, sometimes it takes awhile and sometimes its immediate. Marques and I have been praying about our living situation a lot lately. Our lease is up next month and we strongly desire to move into a house. We were contemplating whether we would move this month, in order to be settled in before Madi starts school, or wait until next month, or possibly even renew our lease here. It was a decision that needed to be made quickly in order to determine our next move, and I was starting to get nervous and anxious. We went to church and the sermon was over waiting on the lord. When I arrived home I took my dog for a walk, and as I prayed, my heart was telling me to stay put, not to worry, and have faith. When I came inside and we began our daily devotional, that too was titled "When We Have to Wait." Confirmation comes in twos and threes, so I strongly believe that we are supposed to wait! God knows our wants and desires, and He will come through in His time and in His way. I will not worry, I will not be anxious or grow weary. I will walk in faith and not by sight! :)

Day 7

Marques calls me on his way home from work and tells me while speaking to his mother she reminded him of how when I was pregnant with Madison, I would run to the door to greet him every evening when he came home from work. Tears filled my eyes as that very memory came rushing to my mind. It's true, there was a time when I ran to greet him instead of a small smile and quick hello kiss. We were young and in love with an unexpected pregnancy and no idea of what we were getting ourselves into. It didn't matter though, we were going to have a family, and we were excited. It didn't matter how much money we were making or what our cars looked like, or the fact that we were living with his mother. All that mattered was we had each other.

What happened to us? How did we get so lost? How did we end up causing each other wounds that stabbed us to the very core of our being?

I know exactly what happened...life happened. We realized it isn't how Hollywood portrays it. Life isn't a fairytale, it's real. Unexpected events happen, people we love hurt us and we hurt them. It's how we deal with the disheartening realization and unexpected events that determines where and how we end up.

I chose to block it out, mask it, pretend it wasn't happening, just like I had done my entire life. It's how I operated and I must say I am a fabulous actress. I was toppled by financial, emotional, and mental issues, one after another and had no coping mechanism to deter them. Yes, there was a coping mechanism available to me (God), however, I was not channeling Him. The end result....chaos.

I abandoned Marques, and in some ways Madison. I worked full time and went to school full time, yes in part to sustain us financially and prepare for my future, but also to pretend my reality, well, was not my reality. Being a wife and mother was much harder than I had thought, and Marques and my high stress levels resulted in fights, and that wasn't how I had planned out my fairytale when I was a little girl. My knight in shining armor didn't ride in on a donkey because he couldn't afford a horse, and put me in a trailer instead of a castle. He didn't yell at me or quit paying attention to me. He was supposed to treat me like a princess, no matter what. Well, like I mentioned before, life is not a fairytale, its real. And in Marques' defense, a lot of my behavior didn't warrant princess privileges anyhow.

In escaping my reality, I neglected my husband, who in turn grew bitterness and resentment towards me. If only I knew then what I know now... classic words of any one who has been married for a substantial amount of time. Men are quite simple. They need three things: affection, approval, and sex. With those three things you have a happy man, who in turn desires and tries to make you a happy woman. He didn't get any of those things for a long time, well actually at all. Well, not all three at once any way. Some months were for sex, some for approval, and some for affection.

It all goes back to my other post about our minds and who we let control them. The enemy had free range in mine. He is out to steal, kill and destroy and his main focus is families. I must say he has been quite successful. In a society with a 50% divorce rate, "shacking up" instead of marriage, children being used as leverage and raised in daycares, and the ultimate culprit: feminism. Okay, okay, sorry, I can get carried away sometimes, and at this rate I will write a book before I finish this post. I'll save all that for another time, but you get where I'm going (I hope so anyway:)

Basically, I abandoned and rejected my husband, causing rejection and anger in him towards me, resulting in aggressive behavior, affairs, alcoholism, anxiety, depression, the whole nine yards. Yes, I know... pretty serious stuff. It is evidence of what can happen when you let the enemy come into your life, whether you are a "Christian" or not. Heck, he's after the Christians even more, they are the ones he wants to corrupt, why would he want to corrupt the already corrupt? Makes no sense, its like killing the dead, come on now.

As I began to think about my marriage, I began to see similarities with my relationship with God. It's the same thing, I think that things are going to go one way, and when they don't, I get angry and blame God; resulting in distancing myself from Him, and ultimately inviting chaos into my life. Its parallel, without a healthy relationship with my husband (my other half, who's flesh is my flesh and bone is my bone) I cannot function correctly. I invite negativity and all that comes with it into my life, just like with God. I was created to have an intimate relationship with Him, He is a part of me, so when I cut myself off from Him, I invite chaos into my life, and the enemy becomes my ruler.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. We have been to hell and back, but when you're at the bottom you can only go up, and that is what we are attempting to do. We want to go straight up and keep going until we hit the top. I've had some people ask me how I am comfortable being so public with all of this. My reply is that, this is my calling. It's all of our callings. You cannot be effective until you've been affected. We weren't placed here to walk around pretending we are perfect and don't make mistakes. We are told to confess our sins one to another, to help those around us and share our testimonies. This is my testimony and I will share it with whoever wants or needs to hear it. If I can make a difference in one person's life, then it will all be worth it.

The main point of this post is to cherish your relationships. First and foremost with your Maker, even if things aren't going your way, and second with your family and friends. Don't neglect and abandon those around you. Treat God and your loved ones as if you loved them with your last breath. Ask yourself every day how you can make their life worth living, because in turn it will make yours worth living also. And be the kind of person you would want to be around, love, come home to, sacrifice for, etc. That's what I'm trying to do, and it is changing my life!

Day 6

Life is a classroom. There are lessons to be learned through God and others day in and day out, but its up to us whether we pay enough attention to notice. Since I began this journey 6 days ago, everyday God has been faithful and shown me many things, however, a certain topic will be more prominent than the rest. I believe there were lessons all along, and God was trying to speak to me daily, however, I wasn't focused. I wasn't paying attention, I was consumed and lost within all of life's meaningless distractions.

I am in college all over again, but this time, I have the greatest professor known to man!

Today's lesson was: Be a good listener.

It all began last night as Marques and I were praying before bed. He had admitted to me that he had been holding back emotions and feelings and was struggling immensely. Because of my behavior in the past, and shooting him down so many times when he was trying to open up caused him to build a wall, and to speculate whether he could open up to me at all. I rejected him, abandoned him, took him for granted and made him feel like he wasn't good enough and never would be. I would twist his words, and lose interest when we were discussing his needs and not my own. No wonder he shut down. No wonder he feels he has to walk on eggshells around me. And no wonder his mindset is that he's better off to keep it in then risk being vulnerable and ending up more wounded then he started.

So you know what I did last night... I listened. I didn't fall into any of my past behaviors, and it payed off. He got what he needed, a shoulder to lean on and an ear to hear. Who better to give it to him than his other half, the person who should have given it to him all along. The end result was forgiveness. We have apologized for our actions to each other many times and we have both uttered those three words "I forgive you." Yet, we were just saying it, knowing in our hearts we really hadn't. As he held me in his arms and we apologized and asked for forgiveness, we said those three words once again, except this time we truly meant it....

So tonight during family worship when Marques read to me the title of the devotional, I wasn't surprised when he said, "Tonight's reading is titled.....Powerful Listening!"

Day 4 and 5

I will begin by admitting that I did say I would post daily for 30 days and already broke that commitment. However, it actually worked out for the better because both days intertwined so well and seem so much greater when combined.

Really one word sums it all up.....WOW!

There are so many thoughts going through my head and so many things I want to cover. I will just let it flow, and anything not covered I can reserve for another day, like a safety net!

Late friday night I realized I was getting overwhelmed because I was putting too much pressure on myself, which I always do. That is the recipe for failure, and the very reason why I have failed time and time again. I decide I want to change, and I try to change everything at once. I get stressed and overwhelmed, and shortly after I throw in the towel. I told Marques and myself I needed to take it day by day, one thing at a time, and tackle whatever God puts on my heart daily.

The last few days were awesome partly because of that decision. Also because I have felt GREAT! Who'd have thought that it feels so good to actually be able to breathe! In addition, being able to wake up in the morning with energy and an actual desire to get up and enjoy the day. There were countless mornings I couldn't get out of bed because I had drank too much the night before. And by the time I did get up, I was still useless because I was so dehydrated and disoriented. I was miserable. I was killing myself slowly. I wanted to quit for a long time and have talked about it. If I would have just done it instead of talked about it, I would of passed this milestone years ago. It took a huge blowup with my husband, and him in my face telling me I had to let it go or let him go to actually realize the severity of the situation and to actually find the will power and determination within me to stand up and fight.

Almost every traumatic event I have suffered or bad decision I have made involved alcohol. I acted as if it was my friend, my medicine, my counselor, like it would not leave me nor forsake me. When in all reality it was my biggest enemy, aside from the enemy himself.

Okay, apologies... I got side tracked. This is supposed to be a positive post! Back to me taking things as they come, operating out of order, because God is a God of order and not chaos, and feeling great because I am actually taking care of my body. So... yesterday was full of running errands, washing clothes, etc. However, I was in deep thought and prayer throughout the day. I was thinking how I have two separate identities. The first one is my identity in Christ, who he created me to be, the divine purpose He has for my life, and what His word says I am. And then I have my worldly identity. The girl who likes to party and have a good time, can drink you under the table, party, party, party. You wanna party, call Beth. That is how I've been labeled since I can remember. The troublemaker, risk taker, authority challenger, rebellious, etc. I was told it, I began to think it, and I became it. I can remember telling Marques I didn't want to stop partying, because then I wouldn't have any fun. WOW!! Really, Beth? Well, I have inhabited my worldly identity long enough. In that identity I found depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, regret, unforgiveness, resentment, and anger. What a life to lead! Now, I will begin to inhabit my identity in Christ, and I already know I will find all the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Now I say with all sincerity, what a life to lead!

Day turns into night, and I am laying in bed tossing and turning because my mind is going crazy. I begin to stress about finances and I become engulfed. I fall asleep for awhile and awake because of chaotic dreams that make no sense, they just leave me thinking I'm nuts! Thinking once again about problems, tossing and turning, etc. It was a vicious cycle. I told myself I have got to get control of my mind and my thoughts. This goes beyond just last night. This year, I endured a pretty traumatic event, and I have been tortured mentally with toxic thoughts. Day in and day out, it's gotten better but it's still there. Binge drinking was one of the ways I tried to get rid of them. My husband is struggling with similar thoughts, and it is a daily battle for him as well. There are lots of wounds that need to be healed and lots of memories that need to be forgotten.

Sunday morning comes and we get ready to go to church. I was full of excitement and anticipation, even though my night wasn't too pleasant. I just knew that I was in for a treat. We show up to find out our pastor was out of town and we had a guest speaker. Her name was Dr. Caroline Leaf, and let me tell ya, you have got to check her out, watch her video, get her book, do whatever you can. Her message is so imperative for our day and age. And what do ya know, it's about our minds!

She begins her sermon with Psalm 139:13-16

For you formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother's womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

Hearing that caused tears to well up in my eyes. I have been allowing the enemy to control my mind and thoughts and listening to his lies for so long. Telling me I am a bad person, I am worthless, I am weak, I will never change, no one really loves me, etc. I feel embarrassed and ashamed to admit I believed him. Then I hear this, and I read it, and I get it....truly get it. God created me, I am made in His image, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I have a purpose. He knew me when I was unformed! Think about that, really think about it. I'm not an experiment, I wasn't accidentally placed her, I wasn't a bad seed, I was placed here by Him for a reason, and so were you. To call myself worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, whatever, is a spit in His face.

Dr. Caroline was talking about how thinking is the most powerful thing in the universe, aside from God. The Bible tells us as a man thinks in his heart, so he is. She said our dreams are evidence of what's going on in our thought life; at the moment mine is chaos, but I'm working on it! Our brain is full of dendrites which hold our thoughts and memories. These dendrites resemble trees. She described the healthy thoughts and memories as green trees, full of life, and the bad thoughts and memories as black trees, with no life. Whatever we think most about will grow. If we focus on bad events and allow them to control our thought life, we will begin to react abnormally to certain circumstances and create toxicity in our minds.

87-95% of physical and mental problems today come from our thought lives. Even scientists who have no belief in God say that we are wired for love. Fear is not normal- it is learned. God is love, and the enemy is fear. All negative emotions grow out of fear. Therefore, because we are wired for love, when any bad emotion presents itself: fear, anxiety, depression, anger, etc., our brain releases "good chemicals" to try to counteract it, however, too much good goes bad, and creates chemical imbalances. What does that tell you? The Bible says God is love, we are wired for love, and we were made in His image. I don't know what you get out of that, but I get that I was not created to be an unhappy, miserable, alcoholic, smoker, who doesn't even want to get out of bed in the mornings. In addition, she also mentioned that it is scientifically proven that people who have an intimate relationship with God, incorporating worship, prayer, and studying the Bible are more intelligent and have healthier brains. Once again, I find myself saying WOW!

I say this message is so crucial in this time, because we live in such a chaotic world. TV, movies, internet, etc., it's all around us, it's consuming us, and it's dictating our thought lives. We all think, but no two people think the same. We were all created with different gifts and they all exist within our brains. Satan wants to block our gifts by clouding our minds with toxic thoughts.

So basically it boils down to either we take control of our minds and fill them with God's word, positive thoughts, and love, or we allow the enemy to take control of our minds and fill it with toxicity and chaos, and never reach the heights we could, nor fulfill our purpose on this earth.

Once again I say.....

WOW!!!

Day 3

Well.... the test has begun.

As I sit here and write this, I am typing with my right hand while my left hand sits in a bowl of ice, guess I'm really committed to this blog!!

How I just rammed my hand between my drivers side mirror and the yellow pole that sits by my gated entrance, I will never know! Why I was holding the mirror while I waited for the gate to open, well...I will never know that either. Not to mention how the heck it broke the mirror and not my hand is the main question of all!

However, hurting my hand was just the icing on the cake.....

I knew when I woke up this morning that the enemy would test us today. Probably because, well... he's the enemy. And anyone who is trying to make a change for the better and especially with God in mind, he is going to be right there trying his best to mess it up. I was ready and waiting...... It just made sense because Marques and I haven't really seen each other all week, and we were planning on resolving some issues, as well as facing the fact that it is Friday, and every Friday for as long as I can remember, friends come over, or we go to their house and we drink and play games.

It's obvious I am going through withdrawals from the nicotine, and possibly from the alcohol. I was never a morning drinker but I did drink basically every night. I did notice myself being "on edge" today and easily irritated. I just feel overwhelmed. I have this mountain of issues surrounding me; physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. There are so many problems I don't know what to tackle first. I have always had plenty of problems, some because I brought them on myself, and others from luck of the draw I guess, however, once again I had my "medicine," to handle them (or convince myself I was, when in all reality nothing was being resolved at all).

Marques and I went to Central Market to talk while we listened to music and ate burgers. While I was there I saw several people we knew from our old church. They were all gathered together, two of the ladies pregnant, all the children running around playing, and all the adults laughing and smiling, and enjoying each other's company. All I could think about was how that's what I wanted. I'm sure they have their issues, nobody's perfect after all. Nevertheless, one of the ladies was the leader of a bible study I attended, and my problems and struggles are night and day compared to hers. The desire within me to be happy and healthy, and so full of God's love that it flows out of me, is so strong, that in that moment, while I looked at them, and then at myself, tears began to well up in my eyes.

I didn't say hello to her, I turned my head when she walked past me. I felt so inferior and dysfunctional compared to her, almost as if she would have known just by looking at me. I have felt that way almost my entire life. The funny thing is, is that most people think I'm such a confident woman, when in all reality, it's just the opposite.

After this mound of emotions came over me, I was not able to finish the conversation with my husband, and did what I do when I don't know what to do, and just shut down. That upset him and he went home. After I got home and the conversation began again, it was apparent that I couldn't handle discussing the topic at hand. Not in that state, I was an emotional wreck. At that point I grabbed the keys, got in the car, and went to sit down by the water and talk to God. After all the emotion, all the pain and stress, in that moment, there was peace. It was just Him and I, and he gave me the answer I needed to a very important question I had asked Him.

In the past, that would have been when I said screw it, and went to the gas station to buy some beer and cigarettes because I had an excuse, "I was stressed, overwhelmed, etc." Not this time. I dealt with my emotions, maybe irrationally at first, but still dealt with them. I went to a relaxing place to calm down. But more importantly than anything, God showed up at a time I really needed Him. He never promised it would be easy, he actually tells us it will be difficult, however, He did promise to stand by our side. And when I look back not only on today, but the rest of my life, He was there, with open arms. I haven't been waiting on Him, he has been waiting on me.

Day 2

Day 2 was a success.

However, you probably knew that was coming seeing how in my last post I explained that the first few days were not that hard. I have always been told that the first 3 days you quit smoking are the hardest and if you can make it through them, you can do it. Not me. I've gone 3 days without smoking, and even more than that before with no struggle whatsoever. My true test has not been given, but I will surely inform you when it happens.

Today was a normal day in the Murff household; cleaning, arguing with Madison about cleaning her room and it turning into an all day ordeal rather than the 30 minutes it should take, cooking, more cleaning, Oprah at 4, girls scouts at 6, the typical Thursday. Except for a few things:

1. I listened to Christian rock while cleaning, instead of my typical classic rock playlist. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with classic rock at all, it is by far my favorite (secular) genre, however, there is no doubt that a different vibe and atmosphere is created when singing about God rather than Mr. Roboto Painting it Black on a Crazy Train with Beasts of Burdens and American Women!

2. Madison rode her bike to girl scouts and I walked, which incorporated 30 minutes of exercise into our day.

3. We had family worship for the first time EVER outside of church, in our home. That is so crazy to me. Children do what you do not what you say. I have been told that all along, and Marques and I have done a great job instilling positive values and lessons into Madison......with our words, however, our actions have been the complete opposite.

We decided to do family worship in the evenings after our family walk, and we have chosen to read "The Power of Praying Through the Bible," by Stormie Omartian. It is full of 2 page devotionals, with a scripture, advice from the author, and a prayer. It was definitely encouraging and special. Matter of fact, that is the miracle behind the word of God. No matter what your situation, you can always find comfort and healing in the scriptures.

Tonight's verse was:

"And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being." Genesis 2:7 (NKJV)

All I could think about was the importance of breath, how we were created from it, and how it gives us life. I started to really think about smoking and how it is essentially breathing in death. Does that make any sense? God gave me the breath of life, and I chose to breathe in death. I should be in awe that I was given breath in the first place and I have the privilege to use it to communicate with my Maker, and those I love. Why on earth would I want to take that away? The obvious truth is I don't love myself, and I'm not sure if I ever have. I have shame and guilt from all the bad choices I've made and secrets I've kept, that I don't care enough to take care of myself and in some sub-concious sick way, I am punishing myself for bad behavior. That along with a consumption addiction.

I realized that last night. I have a consumption addiction. I need fillers, it doesn't matter exactly what it is (although alcohol would be my first choice), I just need something to fill the void. If I can't drink, then I'll smoke, if I can't smoke, then I'll eat, etc. Whatever's around. I have never fully had a food addiction, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I did eat more when I wasn't smoking or drinking. Last night I had a huge urge to just eat. I wasn't hungry, and it was late at night but I craved food. Probably because I wouldn't allow myself anything else. I denied my urge, and began to focus on the emotions I was feeling and why I needed to ingest something. I am determined to continue that exercise.

I have read when you quit something, you have to replace it with something else, and a lot of people gain weight for that reason. I have created schedules and daily activities and am trying to incorporate new traditions in our lives. I feel if I am busy with God, family and friends, I will be less likely to develop new bad habits or fall back into old ones.

I will close with this prayer:

Lord, I thank You for the breath of life You have given me. I pray You will breathe new life into me today. Just as you spoke and brought about life in Your magnificent world, help me to speak words that bring life into my own small world as well. How grateful I am to be closely connected to You in every way.

Amen and Amen!

Day 1

Day one was extremely easy, as it always is. I have been down this road before and really the first several days are easy. You're full of motivation and determination, and you feel good about yourself and your decision to change......until your first temptation, party invite, bad fight with the spouse, or stressful situation. That's when the true test comes, and in my case, when I fail. However, I promised my daughter today I would never touch a cigarette again, so now there's really no turning back, talk about accountability!

I received confirmation last night that God is in control, and this is truly His desire for my life. We had some liquor and decided we would finish it off, and then we were done. My husband Marques went to bed and I stayed up determined to finish it since that was all I was getting (it's obvious I have a drinking problem)! I came inside from smoking my last cigarette and the television channel daystar was on. I began to pray and tell God that if He wanted me to do this than he had to help me more than ever before. At that moment, I immediately went to the bathroom and threw up. I hadn't been nauseas, and I wasn't drunk enough to where I would vomit, not to mention it's very rare that I vomit while drinking anyhow. I then took the remaining liquor and poured it down the drain. I was done and God showed me that He is as well, and that I was making myself sick, and he wanted that alcohol out of my body........at that moment and for good!

This afternoon I realized it was Wednesday and it would be good for us to begin our journey in church. We went to church and I was so pleased with the message because it spoke directly to my circumstance…

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)

It was so fitting in more ways than one. Last night I was telling my close friends how I was afraid to let my coping mechanism go, my daily medicine that I had been taking for years. I was shown tonight that God didn't create me to be afraid, or weak, or with lack of self-control. His word tells me that I should have no fear, and that He is giving me the power to overcome, and surrounding me with His love. Not to mention, giving me a sound mind, and self discipline and control to fulfill my goals and His purpose for my life. Amen!

After we came home, I watched TBN because our pastor was on there interviewing William Young, author of "The Shack." I will definitely begin reading that book as soon as possible, but it was also amazing to hear Mr. Young talk about his past. He was sharing his experience with sexual abuse, drug abuse, and adultery, all things I have experienced as well. He built this huge lie around him and convinced others he was someone he wasn't.

I completely relate, I lived a life full of shame, guilt, secrets, and a facade so large I could no longer see straight. The walls have fallen down, the secrets have been revealed, and now the healing process begins. No more lies, no more acting, only true, honest, humble behavior and a journey to find father God and myself in a way I never have before!

The Journey

So it begins.........

Actually, the journey continues, because I am attempting to do something I have tried to do many other times, and never succeeded. However, something is different this time around.

I must begin by giving you a history lesson about myself:

I grew up with a mentally ill mother (whom I only stayed with during Christmas' and summers) and a workaholic, uninvolved father. I was ahead of my time and began experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and sex at the young age of 13. I have continued to do so up until, well...... now. I endured many traumatic events and have struggled as a young mother and wife, up until, well....now. I have masked my problems with alcohol, marijuana and cigarettes all along the way and have pushed my emotions deeper into the depths of my already halfway beating heart.

I have a 6 year-old beautiful and extremely intelligent little girl, who deserves nothing but the best and definitely not an alcoholic mother. I am married to an amazing man who has stood by my side for 10 years, and has forgiven me even though I have betrayed him repeatedly. He also deals with a problem with alcohol and cigarettes and we have deep issues that need to be resolved, however, our time is spent with friends and alone drinking whatever is around at the moment. Let's just say that things are out of control and have been for a long time.

I HAVE to make a change, not only one, but many.

I am a Christian (I don't know if I can really call myself one, but I am determined to live up to that title), and I know God did not create me to be this way. I want to live a happy, sober, healthy life for God, my family and myself. I want to set a good example for my daughter so she does not follow in my footsteps. The only hard part is that I did not have a good example set for me, so I honestly don't know how a functional, happy family operates. However, I am determined to figure that out.

I have two goals in this process:

1. To prove to myself and others that it is impossible to be TRULY happy without God and without living how he designed us to live and how he has instructed us to live.

2. To become healthy physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally for the first time in my life. The hard part is I am doing it all at once, however, anything is possible with God, so I believe and have faith in Him that He will be by my side every step of the way.

I created this blog to possibly help others, but also to create a sense of accountability even if I have only one reader! I have decided to post daily for at least 30 days (longer if need be), and I promise to be open and honest about my day. I realize this isn't going to be easy, and I will be tempted and highly irritated at times, but I also think that so many lessons are going to be learned and God's love and mercy will shine through.

With love in Him,

Beth