God is so faithful, and I experienced that today more than any other day in my life. I can't stop crying because I am so grateful and so in awe of who He truly is.
As I have mentioned before, I have made some very bad decisions in my life; selfish, awful, evil, deceitful decisions. I have messed up time and time again, repeated the same mistakes over and over, thought I had learned my lesson and turned around and did it again.
I revealed (almost) all my secrets to my husband in hopes of renewing and transforming our relationship with each other and with Christ. I wanted to be transparent, and honest, attempting to live a life with integrity and how God created us to live. I was so tired of carrying around the guilt, shame and regret. It was taking energy and life out of me, causing a hinderance in our marriage and our lives. I confessed (almost) all my secrets to him, and since we began this whole journey, things have been better than ever. We have been growing at a faster rate than I have ever witnessed before, and I have felt a closeness and interconnectedness that surpasses any other time throughout our relationship.
There was only one problem... almost doesn't count.
I had another secret, a deep one, one I had convinced myself I had forgiven myself for, convinced myself it was over and done and was no longer affecting me nor anyone around me. I have prayed about it over and over again and thought it was God's will as well for me to not disclose it. I didn't want to hurt my one and only true love more than I already had, I feared how he would react, what he would do, how much it would change not only our lives, but others lives as well. All of that changed today. As I sat in church, I became overwhelmed, it was as if I didn't get it out it would explode, like it was consuming all of me and prohibiting my organs to function correctly, as if it had a hold of me and wouldn't let go until it exited the hidden place where it had been residing so long deep within my soul. It was as if God was showing me I have excelled greatly, however, there was a block in the spiritual road within me. A thought and feeling that if I did not confess, it would hinder my marriage, my relationship with God and myself for the rest of my life on this earth.
Yes, I do believe God has forgiven me, in fact, I know He has. The problem is although I thought I had forgiven myself, I hadn't, and I wasn't going to. Because anytime something triggered this memory, I would once again feel that shame and guilt. Guilt from not telling my husband, for him thinking I've been honest, for him thinking he truly knew me inside and out. I knew we would never reach our full potential, neither together nor apart. Because when you are married, you are one flesh, one spirit. If you are hiding things from your spouse, or being affected greatly by something he/she is not aware of, then you are affecting them whether they know it or not. The matters of the heart and soul are far deeper than one could ever perceive or understand. The spiritual is far greater than the physical, what God sees and lies within us is far more than we see in ourselves and others.
So I told him.
As I had expected he was furious, and had every right to be. He left to counsel with a friend and I didn't see him all day. I had prayed before, during and after, asking God to have His hand over the situation, to bless us with His peace and unconditional love. While thinking my marriage was over and that I deserved that and more, I received a text message from him telling me he loves me and we will sort through it all. It will not be an easy road, however, nothing worth fighting for is ever easy.
We've been through similar circumstances before and it was tragic. The pain is still present this time, but I can feel God in the middle of it. And it was such a gift and incredible help to be able to lean on Him and trust in Him. I never did that before. I was Miss Independent, didn't need anybody for anything and I would take control of the situation and do what I saw fit. It was exhausting and nothing ever got resolved; reason being, because I don't have the power within me to fix everything, none of us do. In fact what I have realized is we aren't supposed to. Jesus tells us to place our burdens on Him and He will carry them for us. So many people become overwhelmed and break because the load is far too much to carry. My lifelong loads were heavy, exhausting and definitely overwhelming. What peace lies within the ability to say "I can't carry this on my own God, I am giving it to you and asking for your perfect will to be done." What is even more amazing is when He shows up and reassures you it is truly being done.
The most obvious way to avoid keeping secrets is to not make decisions that would require you to harbor them. To live a honest life, driven by integrity. However, some of us haven't had that realization or transformation until after its already said and done. It is the hardest thing in the world to look your other half in the eyes and admit that you have made a horrible decision, and then for them to look you in the eyes with the reflection of their heart shattered into tiny pieces. I would never wish that upon anyone, however, the reality is that we are human, born into a broken, sinful world and all make bad choices. The good news is our Redeemer lives and is with us day in and day out. And in even the most difficult of situations, if you seek Him, you will find Him, and when you need Him He will show up.
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